Post by Faith Webster on Nov 1, 2010 10:49:21 GMT -5
...or, How to Be the Next Jack Keroac
[/u][/size]Step One: The Word Count
The most important thing to consider when roleplaying pretentiously is the length of your post. I will say this now and never again: the longer, the better.* That means seven hundred words at the least, unless you are having a really, really bad day. And by really bad, I mean, your mother died and your cat was run over and you just found out that you have cancer. In that case, it might be acceptable to post at just five hundred words. But be careful: your fellow pretentious roleplayers will be likely to respond with a much longer post full of words that you have never heard of, just to teach you a lesson: if the post takes less than fifteen minutes to read, it is too short. And that does not include the time it takes you to look up words in the dictionary.
* If your English teacher tells you to be concise, do not listen. She is brainwashing you to make herself feel better. When she publishes her first novel before you do, you only have yourself to blame.
Step Two: The Vocabulary
No matter what you do, never let your associateroleplayers know that you look up every utterance in your post in the thesaurus and replace it with a more labrynthine synonym. They will mistake you for an ameteur. In fact, the best thing that you can do is to simply memorize the thesaurus. And then you should most indubitably let them know that you know every single synonym for every single word in the English vocabulary.
Wait - the English vocabulary? What am I saying? Make sure to also memorize translations in French, Russian and Greek. (Note: if the language uses a different alphabet than English, then, all the better!) And never, ever include translations in your post. After all, why not give the appearance of being fluent in an obscure language that is probably only spoken in one country on the globe?
Step Three: The Name
When choosing a name for your character, do not stick to conformity. Do not even consider using a legitimate name that is appropriate for your roleplay. This is especially effective when you insert a different language into your post. (See above.)
For example: if your character is Greek, make sure your name reflects this. Also make sure that the name is not pronouncable. (i.e.: ÓêïôåéíÞ êáñäéÜ. This means Dark Heart in Greek...but why should your fellow roleplayers ever have to know that you chose a name so 'emo' and against their roleplaying code of honor? And just wait until they try and pronounce that. They'll end up saying something like 'Ekoteivn Kapoia.' Psh. Amateurs.)
This is another area where the thesaurus comes in handy. Rather than choosing an angsty name that will surely send your administrators into a huff, use your handy-dandy memorized thesaurus! If your character is sadly not international or bilingual, then, rather than naming them ÓêïôåéíÞ êáñäéÜ instead of Dark Heart, go for something more along the lines of...Stygian Sentiment. Not only do you sound much more mature than those silly 'emos', but you get some nice alliteration in there as well.
Step Four: The Content
The rule of thumb when writing your post is this: reflect on absolutely everything. Does your character have a wisp of hair in her face? Write an essay about how it reminds her of that time when her brother, who had cancer, had hair in his face. Make sure that the readers of this post will be so intimidated by you that they will not mention that you have completely embodied the typical Mary Sue. For the pretentious roleplayer, exceptions can always be made. You are more than welcome to have as many dead parents as you like. You are also welcome to lament on it at any given moment, and of course you should be able to overcome any situation, and of course you should burst into tears at random intervals because you are so broken from your tragic past. Just make sure that your writing is so angsty that it is clear that you are an exception to the Mary-Gary Sue-Stu rule.
Step Five: Outside of the Roleplay
Outside of the roleplay, in which you are the silent, intimidating player, you should take control. Dominate the OOC threads, but make sure you befriend only the other pretentious roleplayers. Then form a clique, in which you comment on each other's private lives and make the other members feel as though they are on the outside of your fabulous, future-Pullitzer-prize-winning clique.
As for your graphics, keep them very simple. Include an impresssive quote from a work of literature somewhere in the graphics, and mention an inside joke that exists within the aforementioned clique.
In the C-Box, make sure that you never acknowledge lesser members. If they ask a silly question, such as whether there is a minimun word count, ignore them. Make sure that they know that you are on very close and personal terms with the admins, and will therefore be granted the best characters and will be allowed to epitomize a Mary Sue (with a better vocabulary, of course).
"The grass flames up on the hillsides like a spring fire, -- "et primitus oritur hera imbribus primoribus evocata," -- as if the earth sent forth an inward heat to greet the returning sun..." -- Thoreau
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